


Sometimes, You See Everything You Wanted

by lemon_kic



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, BP-2, Bipolar Disorder Type 2, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Self-Hatred, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, but - Freeform, descriptive writing, let them be happy, nothing is perfect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 04:25:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10983342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemon_kic/pseuds/lemon_kic
Summary: He was really… pretty.A little bit of a peek into some Evan thoughts about Connor.





	Sometimes, You See Everything You Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> hey kids study for your exams or shitty aorks like this get posted B;-)
> 
> This is set probably a year or two after end-play. Evidently, a failed suicide AU, not that he didn't attempt just that it didn't,,, work out doesn't sound right but, he didn't succeed in it, that is. 
> 
> WHY DO MY INDENTIONS NEVER STAY!!!!!!! AHHHGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!! WHERE ARE MY ITALICIZED WORDS???
> 
> I don't know if i accurately described any of this but this is how i feel with my anxiety and 
> 
> anyway, i hope you like it, I wrote it in like, an hour

He was really… pretty.

 

Well, his hair was especially pretty. But only ever on the rare occasion when he actually did wash it. It could get beautifully nice and soft and in the right light (mostly sunlight) it would turn to an almost auburn-golden color. It accentuated his skin well, dark brown hair against (near sickly) pale skin. High and hollow cheekbones (as of late, he seemed to be losing weight a little too fast) holding up blue-gray eyes. Another interesting thing about his eyes was the fact that there was an almost yellow ring around the pupil? It faded from inside to out from a pale yellow to an icy blue to a richer, deeper blue. 

(Is it weird that you did just, in fact, fill a paragraph about essentially just the top half of his face??? Is that normal?? Can you do that??)

His lips are always chapped. Chapped and pale and not at all soft but that means essentially nothing to someone who loves you, you guess. His smile is beautiful, but only if he means it. Luckily, you seem to get your fair share of soft grins from him when you're by your lonesome, but what’s really a sight to see is a broad, toothy grin. Practically from ear to ear just, radiating pure feeling from it. It’s particularly rare to see that. It’s a really, really good day when that happens, and only ever when we’re out and with others. It’s good to know he can smile like that again, and that he can bark out a laugh that’s uncontainable, and that he can be like that among friends-

It’s just. Really, really nice. Very nice.

He’s a little lanky (a lot a lanky) but that’s fine and good, it means he’s easier to give waist hugs to. (which are the best and least awkward kind of hugs because when you hug someone your height you can never tell if they want you to go over their arms or if they want to go under or if they even want to hug you or if it would be easier if they just didn’t even try-) He has long arms and legs and still only ever wears long sleeve shirts because of his scars and, well, you’re not going to say they’re beautiful because it’s very sad (sad isn’t the right word, it sound like a pity word… disparaging? Upsetting? You can’t find the right one for it) to know that he felt that was the only way he could express it, or that that’s the only way he knew how or that felt right or— But, point being, you hope he becomes comfortable in his own body enough to go out in something more comfortable because you don’t want a repeat of last summer when he passed out in the park because he wore black on black on black. But who are you to encourage someone to be comfortable in their own body when you clearly-

It’s good to be with him, even if it’s not on the daily. Even if sometimes it’s once a week because he’s busy and because you’re studying or if he just doesn’t feel up for going out sometimes and if you worry yourself into the ground. (the only bright side to those occasions are that he’ll come over with food as soon as he can- not that it gets rid of the problem, but it can help get the mind off it)

He’s not perfect, no but, he is really good. Like really really good, like a lot better than anyone, even himself, gives him credit for. Of course he’s not perfect, he can lash out sometimes, and when he does he is prone to violence but he never hurts anyone, especially not consciously. It’s always either he throws things around or he just, blanks out entirely, no recollection or anything, or he can make irrational decisions and says things he knows he doesn’t mean. And that’s an especially hard time because, okay, maybe he didn’t mean to say it but he still did and what if he actually thinks that about you? What if you’re right and what if- what if the one person you decided to trust with yourself really truly hates you deep down? It’s terrifying sometimes to trust someone like this. 

It’s so scary that sometimes when you’re by yourself you try to convince yourself that it’s not worth it and that this will be your downfall and that it’s all your own fault and you should’ve climbed higher up that tree and-

But it’s in the in-between that you are certain that it’s worth it. The times where he can slip his hand in yours and you don’t have to panic because your hands are perpetually sweaty. When he lets you sit in front of his knees while you watch a movie, or when you just, lie in bed together, fully clothed, no funny business, just, there and enjoying the moment and being happy. Or when you make a bad joke and he does a fully body laugh because, “Wow, Evan, I wasn’t aware people were allowed to make jokes that cheesy.” It’s worth those moments and a thousand more to suffer those few. 

It doesn’t make this perfect, and it doesn’t get rid of your anxiety or self-hated and you don’t get rid of his depression or BP-2 or anything of the like, but. This makes It more bearable. Having someone who you can talk to and who understands, who can, to some degree, know when and what to say and what you’re comfortable with is supremely reassuring and you wouldn’t trade the world for it. 

You have all these thoughts in a haze, of course, because that seems to be when your most coherent and semi-normal thoughts come out. You’re just happy to have made a probably-somewhat-accurate summary of your feelings for once instead of incessant rambling taking stead of half-baked ideas and an anxiety-fried head.

You’re really glad that you now have a brief summary of semi-coherent thought.

 

You’re really glad he’s here.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you like it 
> 
> hmu at lemon-kick.tumblr.com
> 
> im a sucker for kudos or comments or any kind of feedback, even bad feedback just, i wanna know my guys


End file.
